Aristocrat Royal Official Review

I’m afraid right now. Seriously.

Aristocrat is the staple of underage drinkers, frat parties, and alcoholics, because stores might as well be giving it away the price is so low. Bottom shelf is an understatement. I don’t think bars use this for well anymore.

I’m already sick to my stomach.

The Shot

I take a deep breath and drink. The taste is neutral at first. That may have something to do with it sitting in the back of the freezer for several days. Suddenly, I can feel my mouth start to dry out and the bitterness creeps across my tongue. Not willing to search for flavor any longer, I swallow. There’s the rub. The swallow burns and the bitter after taste makes my face contort. The bitterness seems to grow to fill my entire mouth until I drink my chaser. My stomach already feels queazy.

The Mixed Drink

I mixed the Aristocrat with white grape pomegranate juice, which is usually pretty good at masking the flavor. Aristocrat ruins the taste. The juice tastes spoiled, like it had been left in the hot sun until it started to ferment, then chilled for serving.


I was only able to talk one person into drinking Aristocrat with me for this review. Erin absolutely refused. I didn’t want to put my mom through it. Daniel agreed to put his body on the line, but he couldn’t make it to the tasting. He said something about Easter and family. I know the truth.

Aristocrat wasn’t as horrible as I remember it. Of course, if I got plastered on it and woke up with the trademark massive hangover, I’d probably vomit at the smell. Years later, it’s still a totally shit vodka, but the old college associations are gone. As I said earlier, this vodka is great for frat parties and alcoholics. It’s cheap and readily available, even at non-ABC stores. The logo claims this is a truly fine vodka. If that wasn’t subjective, someone would sue for false advertisement. Unless this site requires it, this will be the last time I drink Aristocrat unless I am tricked into it.

Robert Brodrecht

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